Coping with Grief

Responses to the loss of a baby are different between men and women. If you understand these differences, perhaps the journey may be a little less bumpy. See if any of these typical responses are similar to what you are feeling...

I wonder if my partner feels badly about our baby. His grief doesn't seem as great as mine.

I feel like so much weight on my shoulders. Everyone looks to me to be strong.

I feel so empty, emptier than I've ever felt before.

I'm afraid I'll make my partner feel worse if I show my emotions. So I'll keep them to myself.

I don't like the body changes I've experienced since I was pregnant; I feel too fat/too thin; or my body is ___________

All she does is cry. I'm tired of seeing her sad. Can't she just move on?

I have experienced unpleasant physical symptoms such as aching arms, fast heartbeat, exhaustion, butterflies in my stomach, always nervous, __________.

Decrease in sexual desire: "I feel myself being turned off by my partner."

Loneliness and distance: "Nobody understands me anymore. I feel all alone sometimes."

Decrease in sexual activity: "My partner and I don't have sex as often as we did before the baby died. I'd like to have sex more often, but she doesn't want to."

Nostalgia for "old self": I sometimes feel like I'll never feel "normal" again. Will I ever be the same?

I wonder if I did anything to cause the baby to die. Did I drink too much, have negative thoughts or ___________?

Emotional swings: "My mood can change so fast. One minute I'm up and the next I'm down. I feel like I can't keep up with it."

I find myself wishing we could be normal again. Will that ever be?

Increased dependency needs: "I find myself wishing to be protected and taken care of more than before."

Resentment: It's not always logical, but sometimes I resent my partner since we lost the baby. She gets all the attention.

Pregnancy: "I'm so afraid of getting pregnant again -- I don't think I could go though this again."

Dependency: "My partner seems to need more than I can give right now in terms of both attention and affection.

I think about the baby all the time. It's like I can't get it out of my mind. I wonder if that's normal.

Distance or communications problems: "My partner and I seem more distant since we lost the baby. We don't talk about important issues. We don't seem to have much in common anymore.

I hate having sex. How can we be doing that when our baby has died?

I'm concerned whether or not we should become pregnant again. What will happen to us if we loose another baby.

I don't feel attractive anymore. I'm worried that my partner will lose interest in me.

Attention: My attention needs are greater than they used to be. I feel like I have to compete with __________ for attention.

I find myself having scary fantasies about my partner or surviving children being killed in an accident or something.

I didn't think we were ready to have a baby. I worry that my thoughts caused the death.

My dreams frighten me. They're so real. I dream about ___________.

We can't agree on when to get pregnant again. It's starting to cause conflict.

My breasts ache to nurse my baby. Sometimes I feel a letdown of milk.

I'm experiencing unpleasant physical symptoms such as inability to sleep, increased/decreased appetite, fast heartbeat, butterflies in my stomach, always nervous, __________.

I keep thinking over and over, "What did I do to cause this? I must have done something."

I'm not able to concentrate on anything. I'm very forgetful. Is that normal?

We didn't really want to get pregnant. I'm wondering if that's why our baby died.

My dreams frighten me. They're so real. I dream about __________.

My partner and I seem to talk and talk but never get anything resolved.

My partner and I seem to talk and talk, but never get anything resolved.

I'm so afraid I'll forget the baby.

I hate coming home from work and finding her depressed again. Can't we be happy once in a while?

I find that I can't concentrate. I'm forgetful and just can't seem to keep it all together. Am I going crazy?

Out friends (sister, brother, etc.) had a healthy baby at the same time our baby was due. How can I stand to watch that child grow up?

My partner and I don't talk about important issues. We don't seem to have as much in common anymore. We seem distant.

I've been sick a lot since the baby died. Does that have anything to do with grief?

I know my partner has lots of feelings. Why can't he talk to me about them?

I find that I want to talk and talk about the loss. More than anything else, I need someone to listen to me.

My partner seems to be moving ahead more rapidly than I am. He's all involved in work and seems back to normal.

Finances: I am worried about how we are going to make out financially. There are so many bills to pay.

I'm jealous of pregnant women and women with babies. I see them everywhere.

I feel like such a failure. Other men have healthy babies. Why couldn't I?

Our friends (sister, brother, etc) had a healthy baby at the same time that our baby was due. How can I stand watching that child grow up?

We can never seem to agree about what to do socially. One of us wants to go out and the other wants to stay home.

I've been sick a lot since the baby died. Does that have anything to do with grief?

I find I want to talk and talk about the loss. More than anything else I need someone to listen to me.

I think a lot about what it would be like if I were still pregnant. I'd like to have a day when I could pretend I was still pregnant.

I still look at maternity clothes and plan the baby's room. Is that OK?

We're both back at work, but I still seem to be doing most of the work at home. It isn't fair.

Sometimes I get so angry at the baby for doing this to me.

*Revised from RTS Bereavement Services - When A Baby Dies: A Handbook for Healing and Helping, Limbo, R.K. and Wheeler, S.R. (1998)