Coping with Grief

1. Resolve to get through it together
   Kay Talbot, Ph.D. reported from her research that mothers who survive tragedy well had made a conscious decision to survive. If couples can do the same - resolve to make it through the tragedy together, their marriages have a much better chance of surviving than the marriage partners that don't.
    
2. Rally the Troops.
   When couples ask for and seek the help of others - family members, friends and others - to help them bear the burden of the grief they carry, they are more likely to stay together than those who don't.
    
3. Learn to respect each other's grieving styles.
   The first step for creating harmony in the home after the loss of a child, is understanding that each partner will have a different grieving style. Then the goal is not only to know that you will be different, but to also appreciate the goodness of that difference. When one partner wants to talk about it and the other can only listen, then talk and listen - each benefiting the other as you learn from each other. When one wants to run away from the pain, he/she can learn from the partner that wants to face it head on. If one partner has no faith, the spirits of the one can be lifted and strengthened by the other partner that does. Opposite styles can be interesting as well as helpful as both partners decide to learn from the other's.
    
4. Schedule time for each other every day.
   According to a study of SIDS parents, 90-percent of the mothers and fathers said that when they spent time with their partners, their ability to cope was increased. Even if your partner won't talk, the time together doing something you both enjoy - going for a walk, getting an ice cream come together, or going on a weekend trip - help in the carrying of the weight. Just spending quality time together is what matters.
    
5. Recognizing your vulnerable state.
   Remember that grief makes us hypersensitive to all kinds of things - including the sometimes annoying behavior of spouses and children. We are much more easily hurt or frustrated by petty things. Learning to say "I'm sorry" or explaining that you are just not yourself yet, can do much in smoothing over the rough times.
    
6. Learn to forgive.
   Blaming the other partner or oneself for what has happened only intensifies the grief and can make it unbearable. Guilt is almost universally felt at one time or another by one or both partners and is most usually entirely unwarranted. Just because we all want to be able to know all of the why's and if ther is a reason, we are limited as human beings in knowing everything and are better off finally accepting the fact that we simply do not know why such things happen - and really no one is to blame. When this happens, healing can begin.
    
7. Spend time with couples who have suffered similar losses.
   This can help - particularly if the other couples are further along in the process than you. This helps especially if you are beginning to feel as if you are "stuck" in grief. When you can see that others have gone through and survived similar experiences, this can give you great hope.
    
8. Schedule an appointment with a clergy member or counselor.
   A good counselor can help you put things in the proper perspective and work on whatever the real issues are. Sometimes marriages feel as if they are breaking apart, when really it just takes someone to help you focus on what really matters.
    
9. Take turns reading aloud and praying together.
   Praying together as a couple creates a bond with God that is healing and strengthening. Praying individually is strengthening, but when a couple prays together, that couple is uniting not just themselves with God, but their marriage with God. This gives stability to the marriage. "It creates an awareness that the marriage is not an isolated unit, but rather a vital part of God's plan."
    
10. Work together on a memorial for your child.
    Typically, when father's grieve, they do this by doing something. When couples are able to decide on something they can do together to memorialize their little one, this seems to help them both. Some couples have worked on creating scholarships, building a fountain area, planting a butterfly garden, planning a funeral together, working on a slide show or video presentation of thier child, or planting a tree.
     
11. Volunteer your time.
    When you are doing something for someone else, voluntarily serving another - good things come about. One couple decided to run a marathon to help raise money for research. SHARE, SOFT and The March of Dimes are all organizations that need help.
     
12. Laugh together.
    Studies show the great staying power that laughter gives to a marriage. Find ways to laugh again - whether that is by inviting a couple over to watch a funny movie with you, going to a humorous play, or adopting a kitten or puppy. Anyting that can help you smile again each day will benefit you both.
     

Adapted from "Twelve Ways to Safeguard Your Marriage"
- Caring Connections March/April 2004 Issue - Volume 8, Issue 2 with credits to Margaret Brownley, Simi Valley, California Bereavement Magazine - Sept/Oct 2003