Coping with Grief

When to get pregnant again may be a big question for you as you have now experienced the loss of a baby. You are no longer "innocent" and know that not every pregnancy has a happy ending. Questions that you might ask yourself are, first, "Have you talked with your doctor?". There are physical reasons for waiting or proceeding with another pregnancy. Second, "Have you though about your emotional healing?" Considering the reasons you have for wanting another baby may be more important than worrying about the timing.

1. Does the loss still consume my every thought?
2. Am I obsessed with becoming pregnant?
3. Can I think about the loss without it tearing me apart?
4. Am I able to, once again, find importance in other people and activities?
5. Do I have happiness in my life, so that I can laugh and enjoy my life?
6. Am I expecting this next child to make me feel better?

For each couple the answers are different. However, when you do become pregnant again, you may experience the following emotions. These are normal and expected.

1. Distrust for the medical community and/or your own body.
2. Continued sadness and grief for your lost child at times.
3. Feeling "disloyal" to your lost baby if you stop grieving and feel happy.
4. Not wanting to "bond" with this new baby for fear of losing him/her too.

What Can You Do To Help With a Subsequent Pregnancy?

1. Understand that having another baby does not replace your lost baby. Healing from the death of a previous child doesn't take place just when a new baby is in your arms. You have "healed" from your loss when you have incorporated the loss into your life and have found ways for living with it.
2. Understand that every pregnancy is a parenting experience, regardless of the outcome.
3. Expect the ambiguous feelings of grief for your lost child and expectant feelings for the next baby to occur simultaneously at times.
4. Acknowledge that you have had "a loss of innocence."
5. Acknowledge and appreciate the powerful emotion of worry. It is an attempt to protect the new baby's life. Expect it and acknowledge it.
6. Frequent doctor's appointments/monitoring will help decrease anxieties and build trust.
7. Calm yourself by repeating the positive statements said at each doctors appointment. Reinforce in your own mind the strength of this new baby.
8. Think about ways to individualize or make this pregnancy, labor, and delivery different.
9. Have another person, along with your partner, in the labor room for this delivery to support both of you.