Coping with Grief

What Are Normal Feelings of Grief After the Loss of a Baby?

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for friends and family of the bereaved

If you are a parent who has experience the loss of a baby, you may feel bewildered by some of your reactions. However, knowing that there are certain emotions that are normal with grief can bring you great comfort and reassurance. You may not experience all of these feelings, nor may you experience them in any set order, but like a common thread that binds the human family together, they are part of our "humanness".

There are five common fears that parents often worry about. These are:

  1. Fear of losing control.
  2. A fear of forgetting the baby.
  3. A fear of appearing weak to others.
  4. A fear that the tears will never stop.
  5. A fear of not being able to bear the loss.

Four Phases of Mourning

PHASE 1 - Shock and Numbness

"I feel like this is so un-real." - "I see myself go through the motions, but this isn't really happening.

You may feel as is you are coping quite well or be amazed at how this tragedy has not affected you. You may even feel guilty for being so unaffected when actually it is because the reality has not hit you yet.

Attention span is short. Concentration is difficult.
Decision-making is impaired. Stunned, Disbelief
Resistant to stimuli Functioning impeded
Denial Time Confusion

PHASE 2 - Searching and Yearning

"Why did God do this to me?" - Other mothers have babies, why can't I?"

During this phase, you are trying to figure out why this happened to you and you are missing your baby terribly. Common characteristics are:

-Anger -Guilt -Jealousy
-Irritability -Panic Attacks -Overly Sensitive
-Restless -Unable to Sleep -Sleeping too much
-Aching Arms -Headaches -Weight gain/loss

PHASE 3 - Disorientation and Depression

I feel like my world has been turned upside-down. What difference does it make if I get up in the morning or not?" -"I just don't care about anything anymore."

When the reality of your loss is finally grasped, you may feel sad, apathetic, angry, or like you are going crazy. Everyday functioning may seem impossible.

-Depressed -Withdrawl from social gatherings
-Forgetful -Disorganized and unable to concentrate
-Weight gain/loss -Prone to illness and insomnia
-Sense of Failure -Exhausted with normal activity

PHASE 4 - Reorganization and Resolution

I didn't think I would ever feel grateful for having him for only 1 hour, but I do now. I can look back on that time and smile. I never thought I would be able to do that again.

During this phase you are learning to integrate the loss into your life and you are finding meaning for it. Your memories are becoming bittersweet - sad and sweet together. You are finding a sense of peace you may have thought you would never have.

-Sense of emotional peace -Sense of release
-Renewed energy; can smile -Renewed sense of self (appearance)
Better able to plan for the future Able to make decision more easily

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