The Church Statements on Pregnancy Loss Options

[Vickie]

I am having trouble accepting the churches statements on pregnancy loss. They say that abortion is wrong and that life may begin with the fertilization of the egg. But they wont officially recognize a baby lost before birth. If the fetus was considered viable to survive outside the womb prior to death, they give parents the option to name and included that child on the family records, but not for the rest of us. They say we should hope that our babies are there, waiting to join us in the eternities. What is hope? It is faith.

I have read as much as I could find on the churches stand on this and feel like they need to revisit their poilicy. Don't tell me to have faith (hope) that my child will be there and then follow it with, but you can't name her or list her in your church records. Don't tell one person that they are taking a life by having an abortion and then fail to recognize that life when it is taken from another thru pregnancy loss.

God expects us to have faith in him. We do and we follow his teachings. If my faith is strong enought to believe that my daughter is waiting to join me in heaven, that should be enough to put her name on my familys records.

I find no comfort in the statements of the church relating to pregnancy loss. I feel like they really don't understand.

I am meeting with my bishop Sunday to discuss my feelings. I have prayed much about this and feel like I need to ask the church for more. I want more than just the "we're so sorry- have hope". I would like "and if you feel so impressed, you may add your childs name to your church records".

Maybe I'm totally out of line, maybe I'm crazy. Does anyone else feel like I do?

[sonjahammond]

Vickie,

I have had such a hard time with this as well. I want somebody to say for certain that I will have ALL of my babies with me forever - that they are really mine to raise, that their lives began when they conceived. It just feels so uncertain to me. I try to have faith too - some days I feel better about it than others.

I once had a lady tell me (at church) that because my babies never breathed outside of the womb that they never took the "breath of life" that I won't be able to raise them in the next life. That they weren't really alive. This is so against what I hope for, or have faith for. But I had NO doctrine from the church to back me up. It is frustrating. I hope you get answers. In my heart I know that Heavenly Father loves us and will be fair and it will all work out - but I want answers too!

(((HUGS!))))

[F4vrYoung]

Vickie,

I don't think you are out of line or crazy. I think you want what we all want and that is the comfort and peace that comes with clearly defined answers. Unfortunately there are rarely such answers when it comes to pregnancy loss.

I think it is important to remember that the church is made up of the revelations that God has chosen to reveal to his latter-day prophets. But that He has not revealed everything to us yet. There are still many questions and mysteries yet to be revealed. Remember the 9th Article of Faith ..." We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God."

It is not up to "the Church" to clarify its stand if that truth has not yet been revealed. They are not just making it up as they go along, they are waiting for revelation in God's time. I know how frustrating this is and how much easier this would be if we had all the answers right now. I wish I could offer you more than hope and faith, but for now that is all that there is.

As for what to put on your "personal family records", well that is personal and I believe you can put all the information on there that we feel is relevant to our personal families. We cannot, for now, submit the names of our lost angels to the temples (there is no work for them to be done there anyway), but there is no reason not to include them in your own family records (I think the only policy is that you put (Stillborn) or (miscarriage) next to thier name.)

I hope this didn't come off too "preachy" and I hope it helps. I had many questions like yours when I lost Angel and it is one of the reasons I operate this board. I want what answers there are to be of comfort and I want you to know that you are not alone in your questions, in your pain and in your grief.

Much love and support.

Jill

[Vickie]

Jill,

I do appreciate your technical (not preachy) answers. You are correct, I would like a difinative answer as to what will come of our baby. But that is not what I am looking for right now. I stongly believe that she will be with us, but can not know for sure. Before we knew that I was having an etopic pregnancy I had a dream. We had 3 children, two girls and a boy. One of the girls was clearly not on our plane of existance. It was impressed in the dream that she was not ours to keep in this world. Her name was Charlie. It was a peacful dream and when I awoke I had the distinct impression that along our journy we would loose one child. I did not even consider that it was the one I was carrying. The night my dh and I sat in the hospital waiting for the treatment to terminate our pregnancy I remembered the dream and realized that this was Charlie. We felt impressed to name our baby before recieving the treatment and when I suggested the name my dh fully agreed. I told him about the dream 3 weeks later. I do not know for a fact that any of this is reality, but I have a strong faith.

What I really would like from the church is to have Charlies name added to my families records. I don't want to take her to the temple and I know I can add her to our PAF files on my personal computer. That sheet, the one we review at tithing settlement that lists the names of our family members. That is where I want her name.

Perhaps it was just too soon, only 4 weeks after we lost her, that we were handed that sheet to review. Under children it simply said none. That is also the day that our bishop recited to us the offical statement of the church as to the current revealed knowledge of the condition of babies lost before birth. The end was so cold. It cut like a knife to hear that we could not list them in the church records. My heart breaks everytime I think about it. Not just because we lost our baby, also because I know in my heart that she is ours, a real part of our family.

[babybug]

Vickie- I don't think Heavenly Father will keep us from our babies. It does sound harsh how your Bishop handled the situation. I guess that is worse than the way ours handled it, which was no visit in the hospital, no visit at home, no phone call, no mention of our child. Ever. From any member of the bishopric or hometeachers. I wish I had better advice or information for you. I hope you can find some peace. love,emily

[Vickie]

I met with our bishop Sunday and feel better and worse all at the same time. Sunday was a horrible day. My week had been great and Sunday started out fine but on the way to church I was smacked out of the blue with emotions. By time I was in the parking lot I was a basket case. My dh took me to the employment office where we could be alone while I worked it out and calmed down.

By time I met with the bishop my need to see Charlies name on church records was not as important. I told him everything of a spiritual nature that was going thru my mind before I mentioned my question. He pulled out the handbook and read to me the current information regarding still born babies. There was nothing written in the handbook for miscarriages or etopic pregnancy, but hearing him read what was there and discussing it together was helpful. He also helped me identify and offered to help me work out some problems I had not admitted to yet and answer any more questions I have of a spiritual nature. We are going to have regular appointments for a while.

It was sort of strange unloading to the bishop, especilly explaining reproductive issues to him. But it also felt safe and comforting. I am glad to have gone and now have some direction for healing spiritually. I don't believe I could have gained the insight and direction I needed with anyone else. It was easy to see that he had prayed about our visit before meeting with me and was providing "customized" spirtiual guidance. I would reccomend this to anyone who feels stuck spiritully.

[F4vrYoung]

Wow Vickie,

I have goosebumps... I am so glad you had a good experience with your bishop and that he was able to give you personal guidance.

Jill

[emptyarms]

I am horrified to hear that some of you recieved no help or comfort from your bishoprics or home teachers during such a time of trial. I would speak to them on the matter & encourage them to handle things differently in the future or ask to speak to the stake presidency.

I wasn't even in my own ward when I had Brian Jacob. I had grownup in this wasrd but it was no longer mine. I had to move home though due to my pregnancy complications & my family's hometeacher came over the morning I ws in labor after we learned what would probably happen & helped my father administer to me.

My parent's bishop - who was also the bishop who married my husband & I came to visit me that night & just sat & talked with me for probably an hour.

Anyhow -

I had a hard time with the church statements to but I think much of the answers that we so desire will come in due time.

That's my 2 cents.

Sally

[Laura]

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has had issues with this.
After my miscarriage, I spent a lot of time wondering about this. I had a member of the church tell me that because my child was never born, never took a breath that it "didnt count". I was told the baby's spirit would get another chance to come to earth. Maybe to me at another time, maybe to someone else. Which just killed me. The thought of anyone else raising MY child breaks my heart. How can anyone love your child more then you? Especially one as loved and wanted as mine.
It's given me a lot of sleepless nights. But I've finally realized that I need to be patient and realize that there are a lot of things outside my realm of understanding and trust that Heavenly Father knows my heart and will do whats best for me. But yes it's still hard!

[oliviasmomma]

I didn't read the other replys, so i apologize if I restate something already mentioned. I find this odd. I read everything I could on the church's opinion on PG loss and I found comfort. Two prophets have said that when a mother feels her baby move she can know he has a spirit. This was before technology that allows us to see them before they are born. Now that we have this technology we know the baby moves as early as 6 weeks. This tells me that movement means the baby has a spirit, not breath. As far as having the baby's name on church records go, I am looking at it from a stillborn's mom's point of view (we can put the baby's name on genealogy records with the word "stillborn" in parenthesis beside it), so I can't understand what it's like to not be able to have a miscarried baby's name on my family/church records. (I had a chemical PG once but not a miscarriage.) I think if it were me I would put the baby's name in my personal genealogy records and know that everything will be taken care of in the next life. No matter what happens here. It's the next life that counts. One day the church may specifically address this issue. Sometimes it takes time, like AA men getting the priesthood. Only Heavenly Father knows the right timing. In the meantime, yes, we have to have faith. If you know without a doubt that your child is your child, no matter when he/she was lost, then of course He will make sure that baby stays in your family.