Question about hormones

I can't seem to put in the right topic in my google search, so I was hoping someone here could help me. Does not nursing cause problems with hormones after having a baby? I nursed all my babies, but since I didn't get to nurse Nicolas, my cycles have been so different and abnormal. Just wondering if any of you have the answer.

Thanks
Elisha

A New Book

I just saw that there is a new book available at Seagull Book entitled "For They Shall Be Comforted, Grieving the Loss of a Child". It is written by Camille Call Whiting who lost two children. I think I am going to pick it up.

Elisha

When does the overwhelming sadness go away?

Can anyone tell me how long until I am able to move on without crying every second of the day? I wake up with such a sense of sadness that I have never experienced in my life. This is the week I should be anticipating my son's delivery, but instead I am grieving his passing. Sometimes it feels as if I can't breathe. I totally understand the Plan, I know my Heavenly Father loves me, and I feel no guilt for my son's death because there is nothing I could have done, but it still doesn't remove the sadness. My family needs me, I have to move forward, but I don't know how.

We want to have another baby. I truly feel there is a girl waiting. How soon is too soon? I am 40, so my clock is ticking really fast. I know this baby won't take the place of Nicolas, but I do believe healing could occur because of the birth.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

Elisha

Our sweet little Nicolas

Where do I begin? My husband and I have four children and I really felt that I was done, so we got rid of all our baby items. Later I had a very strong impression that there was a son that needed to come. I have never had a problem getting pregnant, but it took us 8 months to finally conceive. I realized I was pregnant in the beginning of August 2008 and I was so very excited.

I was very sick with this pregnancy, really nauseated. At 18 weeks I started spotting. The ultrasound showed a partial praevia and so I was told to take it easy. At 21 weeks I woke up to use the restroom and felt just this rush of blood. I was soaked. I can still remember the terror. My husband took me to the hospital and the ultrasound indicated a full placenta praevia. The doctor told me to stay on strict bedrest and it might be for the rest of the pregnancy. I was devastated. I am a mom with four children, how was I to stay in bed for 19 more weeks!

I did as I was told. Each checkup just showed that the placenta wasn't moving, so I planned to be down the whole time, but then after 7 weeks the ultrasound showed that my placenta had completely moved. It was a miracle! I was down for 1 more week and then I resumed my regular schedule. The baby was healthy and growing well and we knew it was a boy...the son that I had felt impressed about having.

My pregnancy was normal from then on, no problems. I went into the doctors on March 13th for a regular checkup. Everything was great, baby's head was down, blood pressure perfect, etc. etc. Sunday night, March 15th, my 10-year old girl was watching my stomach and laughing because the baby was moving so much. I noticed he was positioned differently but didn't worry about it. Monday, March 16th, I was busy all day so I really hadn't noticed my baby's movement. That night while I was sitting down, a thought came to me that he wasn't moving and I hadn't felt him for some time. I did all the tricks to try and get him to move, but nothing. After 50 minutes, I told my husband and he took me to the hospital. The nurses tried to find his heartbeat. They were trying everything, even saying that the machine wasn't working. My doctor came in and performed an ultrasound. I will never forget that black screen. There was my baby's heart with no movement. My doctor turned to us and said, "I am so sorry". I thought someone had just taken every breathe out of me at that moment. It was a nightmare. I was 37 1/2 weeks along. Only 2 1/2 more weeks to go.

I opted to come back in the morning to be induced. It was the longest night of my life. We told the kids in the morning. How crushing that was. I didn't know how I was going to go through labor knowing that I wasn't getting anything out of this. It was 24 hours from when I entered the hospital to when I had him. I asked for a very strong epidural. I just couldn't stand any of the pain. My heart hurt enough. At 8:56am, March 18th, I delivered birth to our stillborn son, Nicolas. He weighed 7lb. 1oz. and was 21 inches long. He was beautiful. The cause of death was a knot in his cord.

We had a beautiful graveside service. The outpouring of love and support from family, friends and ward members has been overwhelming. I feel so blessed in that way. But now reality sets in, and I am the one who continues to cry and grieve for my son. I have never felt so much sadness envelop me. I know that families are forever, but I still wonder since he didn't take the breathe of life, will he be mine?